Poem

I'd be interested to hear people's opinions about the following poems that I want to submit to the CWA poetry competition. We have to write a poem of 24 lines titled Tranquillity. I have made two attempts which were inspired one evening while I was walking along the canal bank down by the lake.  Doreen Angove.
       
Tranquility   
                                                                                                                        
Slowly the sun sinks from the cloud filled sky
The surrounding tall gums seem to sigh
As the evening breeze moves branches to and fro.
There's a whisper like a voice I used to know.

The sky glows with an unearthly wash of light.
As the heat of day gives way to night.
Feelings of peace and tranquillity wash over me
In this place with natural features to see.

So now in the silence 'neath the western sky,
I'll ponder memories that will not die.
I dream of the past and what might have been,
'Til the call of nature intervene.

Wild ducks rise and fly to their nest.
Galahs screech goodnight as they settle to rest.
The gnats do their last little glide on the water,
Before the green frogs come out for a slaughter.

House lights shine across the lake
As the creatures of night slowly awake.
My mind wonders at the beauty of this tranquil place
Whose serenity holds me in a sweet embrace.

The soft light of twilight fades into darkness
And the night creeps in: in a stear studded dress.

I must leave behind this tranquil scene
And the memories of what might have been.

This is the 2nd attempt... only slightly changed. Which do you like best?

As the sun sinks slowly from the cloud filled sky,
The surrounding tall gum trees seem to sigh.
The evening breeze moves the branches too and fro.
I hear whispers like a voice I used to know.

The evening sky glows brightly with an unearthly light,
As the heat of day gives way to the cool of night.
Feelings of peace and tranquillity wash over me.
In this place where natural features surround me.

Now in the gentle silence, ' neath the western sky,
I ponder over memories that will not seem to die.
I dream of the past and of what might have been,
Until the calls of nature rudely intervene.

The wild ducks rise and fly off to their nests.
Pink galahs screech goodnight as they settle to rest.
The tiny gnats skip and glide upon the water
Before the croaking frogs come out for a slaughter.

House lights shine across the glass like lake
And the nocturnal creatures slowly awake.
My mind wonders at the beauty of this tranquil place,
Whose serenity holds me in a sweet embrace.

The soft light of twilight fades into darkness
As the night creeps in; in a star studded dress.
I regret to leave behind this tranquil scene,
And the memories of the past and of what might have been.

 Author: Doreen Angove